Saturday, April 22, 2017

Saturday morning, pt 2

As I mentioned in part one I looked up two different entries, one about body image and one about focus and determination Kino had gotten from getting her authorisation from Guruji. I wrote in part one about the body image issues I have, but to no great conclusion because I've not figured mine out by any means, so I move on to the other one.

It was interesting that I've read her book Sacred Fire before, without ever contemplating what she wrote about her authorization.

I realise now I read that and didn't see too much in it because at the time I'd not received my authorisation, and now I have. And I know that immediately when I did get it I felt this sense of purpose. Purpose to teach, not sure in what capacity though, as a traveling teacher, or going to a set spot and setting up a Mysore program, or what. But purpose that now Sharath believes in me and I have his blessing to share the primary series, so I need to do this. It was awesome.

At the time I was about to leave for India I thought I was going to be going to study with Sharath for three months then have a month to enjoy Mysore, then go to Bangalore and teach for my friend Gururaja at his shala there for two months while he went to Mysore to study with Sharath. But a little over a month before I left I was asked to teach here where I currently am in Germany for four months and when I checked on the gig in Bangalore he was unsure at that time if it was going to happen, so told me to take the for sure gig instead, and so I did.

Once I got here I felt that strong purpose to share what I could with each of the students here that I'd received from my practice for the past 17 years, and feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. Then I started wondering about going back to India, which is where my heart wants me to live.

Sharath at the time he'd authorised me had suggested that I teach in Uttarkashi, which is further up the Ganga from Rishikesh, upon finding out that I did not want to return to the US and teach where he'd originally wanted me to teach in St. Louis. So I decided that I would return and go to Varanasi, somewhere I'd always been drawn to go, and to Rishikesh and to Uttarkashi and maybe some other places as well. Check them out and see where I was drawn to be.

But I know that I have to teach, it feels like the dharma I'm here for. I also know that Uttarkashi, if that is where I settle, is colder and tends to have snow, so it would only be a season. Maybe May/June through September, then come south to be with Sharath for three months, then have three months to travel and teach each year. Hmmmm...

Then I watch this video from Ajay Tokas last night about how he's not a teacher and shouldn't consider himself that for some years to come, so then my little mind is fucked up again about teaching. But really, all I'm doing is sharing what I know about the primary series anyway. Is sharing teaching? Aren't we all teachers anyway in inadvertent ways at least?

I do know that now I'm fulfilling something in my being that is meant to happen. My dharma as it would be said in India. To share this practice and the insights I've gained from it seems like the right thing for right now.

I also decided two trips ago that the Hindu path, the symbolism of the gods and the energy they represent are also meant to be a part of my dharma. How does that fit in? No idea yet, but I know it is going to be part of what I do with my life and not knowing how yet is just fine to me, it will reveal itself when the time comes up for it.

So, no more to say really. I'm not super inspired to write today, I feel I'm doing it more as an exercise in keeping writing going than anything else. And that is okay too, because writing a few books is coming up in my dharma as well. It will be sharing my path, sharing the yoga/spiritual side of things, sharing the worldly existence I've lived so far as well. Sharing much more.

Sharing seems to be my path, or my dharma, really. Maybe that's what I start calling it. I write Facebook statuses on things and get messages about how sharing my experience really helped someone, I share on this blog, whatever the hell is going through my crazy mind, I share when I teach, I share when I have a conversation, I share all the time. But also I receive from all this situations as well, so it's an even give and take, or it evens out eventually!

Go and have a great weekend, and I'll see some of you tomorrow when I share some more asanas with you at 9:30am. Enjoy!

Saturday morning, pt 1

This morning I did my usual Saturday morning things ending up at a coffee house drinking chai and reading, then writing in my journal.

This morning I chose Kino MacGregor's Sacred Fire book. I had a friend in town this week and he read it and so it was on top and when I looked to see which "random" thing I would look into it spoke to me. And as I said I "randomly" opened it to a page to see what came up, this time only I did it twice.

The first thing I opened to and was moved to read the whole section on was about her battle with her body image. The second thing was the drive she got from getting her authorisation from Guruji. So both of these things have been mulling around in my head since then, so this entry could involve both of them or lean toward one or the other, and I'm not sure which one is the most prevalent in my mind! In fact, it stirred up more things than I thought it would.

First of all, body image. Now I know most people think of this in terms of being heavy. But my body image issues came from being a super skinny kid who actually got shit from other kids at school about it. I was skinny, like bones showing through my skin. I never felt unhealthy though and I sure ate a lot, I guess I just had a fast metabolism and you could see it. But from the negative stuff I heard about it a lot in school it created a weird thing inside me, this already shy and introverted young fellow, and so I shrunk even more. Causing myself to have a concave chest cavity from slouching to such an intense degree.

I was skinny until I was 30, until just after I began practicing ashtanga yoga. Then I got even skinnier. My partner at the time even threatened if I lost any more weight he was going to leave me and many people would think I had AIDS. Yes, he said this. But because I already had so many issues with my self esteem I never thought it was a bad way to speak to me because I spoke much worse to myself at that time.

Then I began gaining weight, it was as if the yoga had broken me down to the bare bones, no pun intended, minimum and then built me up differently into a whole new version of the old body and I began to feel more confident and happy within my own skin, something I'd never felt before so I just didn't think about it.

Until I left Ashtanga, and I've written tons about that already so it won't be in this post. But when I was practicing only Kundalini Yoga and the occasional Anusara Yoga class I got heavy, and I didn't notice it because I'd always been so skinny and felt like it was more the way I was supposed to be. Plus I was surrounded by all the Sikhs in the Kundalini Yoga world and the majority of them were a bit portly, so I felt like I fit in for the first time in my life.

Then when I slowly made my back into the Ashtanga practice and went to Mysore I found out I was in fact pretty fat for me and that this was inhibiting my body from doing much of what was asked of it in the Ashtanga practice. But also my spine was less mobile again so the extra body weight I was carrying only served to help that mobility not come back so easily.

Not sure that I still carry much of this stuff around with me, being too fat or too skinny doesn't seem to compute much when I look at in this context, but the idea that I constantly look at my body from different angles when I pass the mirror does seem to compute. I do this. I'm not sure why, but I am sure it comes from a lifetime of worrying about being one or the other, and so my idea of my body is dysmorphic. I always think I'm too fat and because of this I always wonder is my belly pooching out further than my chest from the side, and tend to look when I'm in a big mirror. It's really something odd because now finally I feel better in my body than I ever have, and for the first time on a trip to India Sharath mentioned how good I look . So hmmmm, where does this come from?

Is it something I should worry about? Or is it something that is just a part of the process as I learn to have a healthier relationship with my physical self? I feel good, so does it matter how I look because I do believe how we feel manifests in how we look? And yet when a student here in Germany mentioned how I'd lost my belly a couple weeks ago and I'd been happy teaching and feeling good and not even thought about my belly, but now boom, it all came back to me that oh, I'm fat again?!? How easy it is to fall back into an old pattern!

But then this leads me into the teaching part of my morning, so I'll write a second entry on that I think...

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Moon day posturing...

That doesn't mean I'm doing postures on a moon day, it means all the posturing I'm doing is in my head.

I have a friend in town now and we ate a bit late last night and because of that I believe I had a hard time sleeping last night. The energy was just a boiling around and jerking me awake every so often, then I'd feel like I couldn't get back to sleep quickly enough and so would lie there awaiting it to happen, then boom, again. Finally at 6:05am I got up, took a shower then came in to do pranayama and my chanting, ate some mueslix and here I sit, now feeling tired again. Oh life...

I've been reading a lot lately in a book I fully read last summer, Kali Kaula. Just "randomly" opening it to a page and seeing what it has to say to me. Most of them have been very thought provoking and full of things that are very pertinent to my mindset or life situation that day. So then I've been having a lot to write in my journal, or write another blog or Facebook post that is coming from somewhere deep inside.

The biggest theme has been heart. Bringing heart to everything, even bringing the deity, or version of a deity, that you feel connected to into your heart space and seeing where that leads you throughout your day. It's been a very interesting way to approach things. And these passages are ones I'm remembering from reading the full book a year ago. But you know how sometimes you don't even see something until you're ready for the message of it? That is always the case with my life.

I'm really good at seeing whole things and paying attention to every going on around me, so when I see that I completely miss something it throws me off a bit. But we all are like this for sure.

What we're feeling and living is reflected back to us in the actions and behaviours of those around us, even in their personalities. So why wouldn't it be that we see only what our minds are ready to see? Of course this is so.

So heart. I'm feeling fully that this trip to Germany has been all about bringing me back into living from my heart.

I was giving India the credit for making me feel so open and loving and able to live there, but it's not the case. I had learned the ability to live there and be open and loving and then India manifested in my existence, not the other way around. I just got sloppy and allowed myself to let India take the credit. But I've earned the right to discover India in many ways I believe, and not just physically, but inside as well. And so I am.

I'm finding it even here, in the very organized country that seems the opposite of India, I am starting to see the same qualities that I love there so much and I'm inviting in more and more and processing it and seeing the good in it more and more and then more comes and then more feelings grow and more and more and more...lol.

So, I'm in a good place and teaching from this good place and feeling great about the sharing this practice I love so much. Finally after feeling a bit bad when I left India I've realised its there in me all the time, I just have to allow it to come out, or rather allow my perspective to shift so that I see it in everything. And its not about India, you get that right? It's just a word I use for my heart and seeing and feeling heart in everything and everywhere I go...

Saturday, April 8, 2017

I dream myself awake. Well, not fully awake, and yet not asleep any longer. It seemed so real that as the emotions welled up within me, it forced my spirit right back into my physical body and the feelings were too intense, so boom, it woke up.

At the time it seemed so real that the emotions were reeling through my body still and I felt as if I'd meltdown. But then I looked at the time on my phone lying near and realised, oh, it's Saturday. I don't have to get up at this time. So slowly fell back asleep to wake up again fully a few hours later.

I lie in bed for a while and looked at things on the phone, but realised it was futile. This morning I feel as if I am connected and yearn for even more. So I get up from the bed. No asanas today which is a blessing. So I sit down, light a candle, invoke the deities on my altar or rather invoke the energy they represent to me. Do praanayama, then a full pooja involving much mantra, fire, incense, bell ringing and emotion.

I feel so full, almost to bursting. But keep on going.

Then I'm finished and cannot express how complete and whole I feel. So oil my body up, allow it time to soak in, feeling the warmth the sesame draws to the surface. Then a hot shower, and breakfast, and internetting (if that's not a verb, it should be). Then a yearning for some chai. To go to one of the couple of coffee places that have great homemade chai, or Starbucks, where there is tons of space and you can sit for a long time and hear lots of English all around you and feel comfortable on a couch or a big cushy chair? The other places are not so comfortable so you can guess where won...

Sitting there reading, I've decided to pull out my Kali Kula book and my journal to bring with me, rather than the Devi Bhagavatam that I am reading. Kali has been calling to me all week, so it was the right decision. I open it at random, if such a thing even exists, and open to a short chapter on ishta devata, choosing ones own deity. The one that calls to you. Not just sticking with the original one, but trying a few others to make sure it wasn't just the heat of a love affair that kept you there, but the real thing.

It talks further about becoming the deity and the deity becoming you, feeling the fullness of being in them, having them in and all around you, but having you and them become one. I realise that since I'd come to Deutschland I'd let go of Kali. Kali who I'd run from as I tried all the rest of the gods, Ganesh and Shiva being the ones I felt closest too, but Kali who kept coming back in and poking me again and again, until the day in Mysore when a young Indian man who was jealous of all of us Westerners who got to come there and study yoga and be spiritual if we wanted, while his family was forcing him to get a degree in engineering because that's what a good Indian son does so he can then go away, makes lots of money and send it home to his family, when he gave me a book as a going away present called Yogic Secrets of the Dark Goddess by Shambavi Chopra. I finally relented and read about Kali.

This lady was so emotional, so erotic and symbolic in her words about her personal experiences with Kali in her life, with Kali and Krishna, Kali and Lakshmi, Kali and Shiva and with Kali and all other aspects of the Devi that I was sucked in. I was enraptured to feel this mother like being teaching me, giving me things to ponder, giving me things to repel, to accept, showing me the dark corners of my being and the light that shines out from my heart into those dark corners, and yet still embracing the dark, not just requiring the light, but finding a balance between the two. Being okay when its a time of light and embracing it fully, but also when its a time of heaviness and emotion to feel that it is also right and good and to be in love still, with all of the aspects of the self.

To have come to yoga 17 years ago and it to have taught you a more masculine aspect of yourself, when you were trained to be so much more effeminate. That was such a good feeling to feel that I was being truly more myself finally.

Now some years later to have found a feminine deity and feel her embodied within you and yet she did not make you more feminine again, but just to embrace the different aspects of yourself within you. Maybe realising, reading these passages from a book you'd finished last year in Mysore, but are just now resonating with you. Realising that there is no male or female, there is only evolving flow betwixt the two ends of the spectrum. Maybe also this is true between genders, between colors of skin, between sexual orientations and so much more.

There is the flow, the flow of the water down the mountainside, between the rocks, around the tree, over the dirt, through the old log... The flow of air around your body, through your hair, between the buildings, through the branches, into the open sky... The flow of energy in your nostrils, around your organs, through your limbs, back out and into another body, between the human and the animal, between the earth and the human, between the animal and the sky...

And it's only 10:30am, where else can this day possibly go? Let's go see shall we...

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Tapahswadhyayaishwarapranidhananikriyayogah:

Everywhere this week I'm seeing reminders about the Yamas and the Niyamas, the ideas in the Ashtanga Yoga system of the best ways to live your life. I'm not writing a post about them so look them up if interested, or maybe I will write one in the future.

I just listened to a podcast of Sharath which like much of his conference talks is about that way we behave much more than asana. A friend wrote a blog about the Niyamas. They've popped up in many more places in the past three days as well but these are examples from this day in particular. Plus I chant the four padas of the Yoga Sutras almost daily and one verse, the first one of the second pada about Sadhana actually, the one this article is named for, in particular has stuck out and vibrated differently each day when I recite it.

It lists three of the niyamas and states that those three things together determine the yoga of action, or kriya. And those three things are what seem to be most important to me these days, not the asanas, although I do them, not meditation, although I do it within the context of my practice. But those three things. What are they?

Tapas, which is often translated as building the inner fire and that certainly is one aspect of it. But it's so much more. To me it's mostly about the discipline I've cultivated over these 17 years of asana practice. Discipline in that I never not practice, and that doesn't mean I do asana every day. It means that I engage myself spiritually every day. So I have an altar which is formed of mostly Hindu deities on it, although Yoda is there too, and Sharath and a few other things. I sit down in front of it and chant many different mantras in Sanskrit with deep intention. That is what changes things I believe is when the heart get pulled into things. Then your energy goes into it as well and therein lies the tapas or tapah of it. In the ancient scriptures often they would say this sage, or this Asura or whomever did this tapas for 10,000 and gained some boons from the gods. And they were sitting and chanting with strong focus the whole time. Nowadays I think most ashtangis think of their physical asana practice as tapas but don't really know any other thing that it could be, but in ancient times, the discipline of sitting and committing to sit and chant the name of god for thousands and thousands of repititions was really where tapas was. But to me it could be anything you commit to and do daily, possibly at the same time, that really engages you and your energetic focus enough to bring your feeling and emotions into it, and then that transforms you. It can be many other things too, but right now that is what it is to me.

The next ingredient of Kriya Yoga is Svadhyaya, which is often translated as self study. Does that mean studying shit all on your own, with no teacher? It can, but mostly it's not. Sharath mentioned in his book that if your teacher talks about something, say Ganesha, and you don't know anything then you go and find out what that is. That can be svadhyaya. Also study of the self can mean observing yourself when you're doing different things, like your asana practice, like the way you walk to work in the morning, how you feel when you walk through the city streets, or cut through the park on your way to the same place, how do you feel when you eat this, or that, or think this way, or think that way. It's a way of noticing, or rather deepening your awareness of you. This isn't about just blindly following things, it's about studying how they affect you and when you do things with a different mindset, how they are, or maybe if you do something different instead, how you are. All these things, and again, so much more, can be svadhyaya. To me though it's my reading that I do of the Hindu mythologies, that give me so much insight into regular, daily life. It's the observation of my body and mind as I practice my asanas in the morning, or how I feel while I'm doing my morning chanting one time when I light incense, another when I don't light it, and all the different variations I can make of it and how it affects me. It's also maybe even more importantly how I feel when I'm teaching and helping someone in an asana, or noticing that my instincts are telling me to not help them so much today so that they can figure it out through their own efforts, and much more like this. It's being aware.

The final component of Kriya Yoga is Ishvara Pranidhana, which most often is translated a surrender to God. Abraham in the Law of Attraction work that I've studied would call it Allowing. Now to me this means not trying to do the thing, to "make" it happen. But surrendering to the process. Putting your intention out there and then letting God, or the Universe, or whatever you'd like to call it, take care of arranging it in your life. You also have to surrender to the fact that things will usually happen, or get done in your life but often they are not going to happen the way you think they should. That is a big lesson I got from my first trip to India. I was still stuck in this almost OCD way of being that made me think this thing has to happen in this certain way, and then the next thing in that way and even in this order I have derived in my own mind. But everything would get finished just never in the way or order I thought it would. And that drove me crazy! But then it also gave me the opportunity to surrender and allow it to happen as it was going to, rather than having an attachment to how and when, which is a big relief when you let go of that.

Now I don't know how many of you like the idea of surrendering to God, see my last blog post simply entitled God to see what I think of it, but to me God is an okay word and I would use Goddess more often if I remembered to because I am enamoured of thinking of Kali or Lakshmi being the divine being rather than the old school biblical man with a beard sitting in the clouds watching down at us. I also love the effect when you say "oh, thank goddess!" in front of people, especially people in the midwest who've grown up mostly with this idea of God being a man sitting in the clouds. It just fucks with them something awful ahahahahaha, I know, I'm terrible. But I like to use the word God and to me it doesn't just mean God, or Pan, or Ishtar or Shiva or whomever, it means everything. The boulder, the grass, the water, the building, the person, the whatever. Because to me its all God in some form. See I <3 Huckabees, particularly the blanket theory speech by Dustin Hoffman's character, for a great explanation of this.

These three together are very powerful and in the Sutras considered the actions one needs to take to achieve a state of yoga. That thought makes me happy. They are less things to do, then ways to be or live your life and I think I can make them work, they really y make sense to me and are very practical in showing you results within and without.

Think about it in your life, how do you enact these three things? Do you try to do them daily? Is one more important than the other, and why? Do you even think about this stuff enough to give a fuck?!? LOL, maybe not, and should you? Well, that's for you to decide, not for me to lay on you. It's your life, are you living it consciously? Do you live it at all? Or are you simply dead within the context of "being alive" because you technically are? Hmmm...

Sunday, March 5, 2017

God

This word doesn't have a lot of good press lately, well maybe for a very long time. I've always used it though and I'm sure its because of my Christian upbringing where we insist the title is the actual name, although that's not true.

But when you study religions that mostly embrace all as one then why does it need a name? Maybe it doesn't. Who knows. I personally like having a name, but I don't really need one because often I'll still just use the term God, which is not a name, it is a title.

I'm sure the lack of having a name for God came from the transition as Christianity split from Judaism and they have a name in Hebrew which you're not supposed to say or name, but you can write it, יהוה. Right to left these Hebrew letters are yup hey vav hey. Those are the names of the letters and if you look at them they could be pronounced Yahweh, but usually aren't. Anyhow, I think because of this lack of wanting to speak the name the early Christians, even though I doubt that's what they called themselves, decided to just call him God. Yes I say him because they believed it was a him.

I do truly believe that I believe that God is everything. The law of attraction as taught by Abraham would say the same thing, but they don't like to use the term God. Sharath in conference this season and last used the term energy in place of the word God because that word has gotten such a bad wrap. So whatever you call it, it's everything. I believe this, I'm not asking for your belief system, this is my blog, but an in person discussion about it is always welcome. I love talking about this shit.

I even know people who would say how can I talk about God and use the word shit in the same paragraph. Well, if you believe God is everything then shit is included in that, so get over it. The word and the stuff!

I've mostly been focusing on the Hindu faith these past few years. Actually known as Sanatana Dharma, not Hinduism, a word which came from the fact that as the Aryans (Iranians) migrated into the area commonly known as India, but better known to its people as Bharat, they had to cross the Sindu river, but in their tongue the s sound wasn't so easily available so they called it Indu(s) and anyone past it was a Hindu. Therefor the name Hindu came about and became more common.

A friend of mine thinks of everything as Shiva, since Shiva is the all being, everything is a manifestation of him/her/it. So I often use this term as well. But I digress...

My focus on the Hindu faith has been since 2000 when I started practicing Ashtanga but I let go of it for a long time to focus on other things, then once I started going to India and to temples in India more specifically I got interested in it again. But it started seeping in, and reminding me of the days in the late 80's where I studied Wicca pretty deeply. The pagan feeling and all that is there. But this is all well documented in my blog and on other social media outlets I regularly use.

So do I need a name for god? No. Do I want one? Sometimes, often yes, but much of the time god suffices for me as well. I like saying goddess too because the divine feminine really appeals to me. But does it matter? No. Everything is God I said remember? And I believe this. Even though I forget it often, I have moments of clarity where I remember and KNOW it so fully that it surprises me that I forget it.

And since everything is god does it matter if we argue? If we fight? If we get along, or fall in love? Does it matter if we're nice to everyone? Or mean to everyone? If we feel good, or bad? If we're a whore? Or very chaste? Or if we practice yoga, or not, or meditate, or chant, or do any of it?!?

Who the fuck knows. I don't. I know that when I feel connected sometimes I don't want to do any of those things and yet I still feel connected. I know that sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel bad, sometimes I'm horny, sometimes I'm very against the idea of having sex for a long period of time, sometimes I love to eat too much and sometimes I love to only eat sweets all day long. Sometimes I love to practice yoga, sometimes not. Sometimes I love to teach yoga, sometimes not. Sometimes I just want to lie around and watch tv all day long, and do it, and yes I still feel okay. Or I don't. But none of these things or any of the thousands of other scenarios I could come up with makes me any less god, or you, or that bitch down the street or the tree in the park, or the rocks in the creek, or... I could go on. But why.

My idea is that what does it matter what we call it? Or what we think it looks like? Or where its suppose to be? I believe my way, you believe yours. Even if we're in the same religion, or both not involved in any religion, we're both still God, or a little bit of that energy tucked into our little sleeve of reality, so once you know that how can you not change the way you act or feel towards others? Even if they call him Allah, or Yahweh, or Krishna, or Shiva, or Kali, or Odin, or Jesus, or the Great Spirit. Those are just names, small little titles that we think can name it, but do they really? Or are they just capturing an aspect of this energy? Maybe. Maybe Sat Inder is my little bit of God, and yours is your name, and hers her name, and the dogs his name, etc.

Maybe we're just all in this together and we need to just get the fuck over it and act like it. Or not. But maybe we just all need to be okay with whatever is going on, around us, or within us, because its all God, or in other terms it's all okay.

It is all okay. That quote from Best Exotic Marigold Hotel that I love, even though I love the whole movie, is It'll all be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not yet the end. It is always the end of one thing, and the beginning of another, so it's all always okay. It's your connection to it or reaction to it that makes it not so...

Saturday, March 4, 2017

I'm not a good surface dweller...

If you're wondering what that means, be patient, I'll explain. But many of you whom I've had in person conversations with know what I mean by that title.

I think everything manifests from us. Our energy creates the reality around us. Many of us are what I call surface dwellers. They live or float at the surface of the ocean but never have the bravery to dive into its depths. This past fall Sharath used a similar analogy when discussing yoga and it made me love him more and know why he's my teacher.

This week I was really diving in and felt deeply everything and so my inner being, which I was in full connection to, was where I was living and therefore creating some great stuff, some of which is manifesting now. But then I had a day I overslept which led to another and screwed my practice up, so I was feeling everything, my body was hurting, my mind was scattered and I couldn't focus or even remember some students names. And it dawned on me why.

When my practice is strong and regular like it was in Mysore this past year, I can manifest amazing things. Even just daily life experiences that are more fully realised and deep than at other times. A few weeks after I got here, the magic of Mysore was wearing off and so I started getting angry about coming to a place that was so cold, that was rainy and overcast, that I didn't know the language, etc, etc, etc. Whine, whine, whine...lol.

That led to a lot of body pains, joint aches, muscles acting weird. My mind not being so clear, my focus being less, just a whole slew of things. When I realised that I started to kick it back in. Started to do my mantras more often, chant the sutras again, be more diligent with my full practice and it started changing, then I screwed up for a couple days and boom. How fleeting this shit is, right?!?

But it is cumulative, so screwing up here and there is okay and the benefits don't lag. Screwing up for three weeks, in different ways or whatever, just screws everything up!

Our attitudes change, and our attitudes are manifestations of how deep we are. Yes, they are. Our eating patterns change, everything. We can't talk badly about other people and expect that it coming from them, its coming from inside us. Its coming from our lack of depth or connection to a deeper place within ourselves. Because when we're in there and doing everything from that place it shows in our attitude, which in turn shows in our life, shows in our behaviour. Are you anxious? Then where aren't you deepening your connection? And yes, it's hard, but damn once you get there you really don't want to not be there, but its easy to fall into those patterns again and again, especially if you're surrounded by people who don't do this as a way of life.

And most of are not around these kinds of people all the time right? I am in Mysore, and even there they're not all that way, but it's easier to maintain my balance because of that. But didn't I just say that outer is a manifestation of the inner? Yes I did, so I'll change that. When I'm there I have an easier time maintaining my own equilibrium and so then manifesting those kind of folks around you happens, less worries happen too, more ease in all situations.

This stuff can happen collectively too, look at the US and the president they've manifested, come on! Now, that's all I'll say about that, too much focus there shows that I'm getting away from my internal connected place.

So I've decided to be happier here in Germany, to embrace the change and the language (which I'm still not getting but I'm meeting all sorts of nice folks willing to speak English easily, or Italian, or Spanish...) and to embrace this life experience I've manifested for myself. And no doubt I did manifest this and everything else that I experience, even the crabby girl at the counter ahead of me somewhere, that shows that I'm not connected in some way.

My goal is to be more and more and more in deep connection with my inner being. I hate goals, but this is the one that I am okay with. I'm going to keep diving into my depths and not only float on the surface of my consciousness. And when I catch myself treading water, boom, back at it. You?